


There is a love I reminisce

by sonictrowel



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Doctor Who (TV Movie 1996)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, I should really have put in the tags that there's TDORS4 spoilers in this, Porn with Feelings, Romance, So much WORSE, UNLIKE SOME OTHER ACTUALLY-PUBLISHED THINLY VEILED FIC, all the feelings, and mild TDORS2 spoilers, and so, everything is consensual and they are in love and nobody is kidnapped, if you havent read it, it's worse than you think, my bitter fluffy revenge against a certain garbage novel you may have heard tell of, no i'm not i never will be, okay i'm done being bitter, so uh, that, this happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-07-25 04:14:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16189856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonictrowel/pseuds/sonictrowel
Summary: Being called upon by UNIT to clear up some extra-temporal alien mess or another wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for River.  ... When the odd request from Kate arrived, if it really sounded like something they couldn’t handle on their own, she usually popped by to lend a helping hand (or staser, or what-have-you.)This time, the message simply read:Come and fetch your husband.





	1. Chapter 1

**A Stranger**  
  
There is a love I reminisce,  
like a seed  
I've never sown.  
  
Of lips that I am yet to kiss,  
and eyes not met  
my own.  
  
Hands that wrap around my wrists,  
and arms  
that feel like home.  
  
I wonder how it is I miss  
these things  
I've never known.

  
―  Lang Leav, Love and Misadventure

 

___

 

Being called upon by UNIT to clear up some extra-temporal alien mess or another wasn’t completely out of the ordinary for River.  Jack wasn’t always easy to get in touch with, and the Doctor, for all his many wonderful qualities, was not what anyone would call reliable.  And while UNIT did (in an extremely top-secret capacity of which no one, including their own tactical assets, was meant to be any the wiser) possess means of time travel, River was fairly certain she’d “accidentally” left their vortex manipulator knackered enough after the last time she’d borrowed it as to have rendered it basically useless.  

To them, anyway.  She could always fix it up if she needed a spare.

So when the odd request from Kate arrived, if it _really_ sounded like something they couldn’t handle on their own, she usually popped by to lend a helping hand (or staser, or what-have-you.)

This time, the message simply read:

_Come and fetch your husband._

Somehow, she could sense the exasperation radiating off the page.

Well, Kate could certainly have been a bit more polite about it.  So, just for good measure, when River arrived at UNIT HQ at the stated time, she skipped the front door.

“Kate,” she said, all warmth and welcome, “how lovely to see you.  I like what you’ve done with your office.”

To her credit, the back of Kate’s head appeared to flinch only briefly before she set her elbow on her desk and her head in her hand.  “I’ve _just_ installed extra security,” she said wearily.

“Yes, I noticed that as well.”

“You can actually just come through the guard station, you know.”

“Not a big fan of guards,” River said, walking around to the front of the desk.  “I hear you have something of mine?”

“Yes,” sighed Kate as she stood from her chair, “and he’s in a bit of a state, so I’d appreciate it if you took him off our hands.  I’ve gotten nothing done since we picked him up.  And _he’s_ what happened to my office, by the way.”

“And why did you pick him up?” River asked, glancing around again at the disarray of instruments and papers on every surface.

“Found him wandering around London as if he’d never seen the place before.  Soldiers identified him by his sonic screwdriver; no sign of the TARDIS.”

“Oh, so it’s one of those days,” she muttered, following Kate out of the office and down a corridor.  “And what does he have to say about it?”

“Not much.  He didn’t remember his own name until we told him, and then he wouldn’t stop repeating it for three hours.”

Now, perhaps belatedly, alarm bells were beginning to ring.  Tension coiled River’s muscles as she asked, “When is he?  Is he newly-regenerated?”

“About that,” Kate trailed off as they came to a stop in front of a window that looked into an interrogation room.  Inside, Osgood, her face an inhuman shade of tomato red, was chasing a very excitable Doctor about as he held some scientific instrument he’d obviously snatched from Kate’s office aloft.  A very excitable, very _young_ Doctor.

“Kate,” River said levelly, “please tell me this glass is one-way.”

“Of course.  They can’t see us.”

The Doctor turned, green frock coat whirling around him, and his eyes widened.  He flashed a grin in their direction, shouting something soundlessly behind the glass.

“Then why,” she bit out, “is he looking at us?”

“He can’t be.  Time Lords have additional senses, but their _visual_ perception isn’t much different than humans’, if perhaps a bit—”

“What the hell were you thinking,” River hissed over her, “calling me here for him?!  There are rules!  He’s far too young!”

“Don’t you think I know?” Kate demanded.  “If it’s not one of the ones I saw running mad in my dad’s office, Osgood’s got a collector’s album of them.”

River fought a smile in spite of herself.  “How’s she holding up?”

“Still conscious.  Which is more than I can say for him since he’s been in our custody.  This one is prone to memory problems, isn’t he?”

“It’s not actually a condition.  Just… unbelievably, suspiciously, _stupidly_ bad luck.”  She sighed, dropping her head and rubbing at her temples as the Doctor continued to gesture at them behind the glass.

“If you say so,” Kate replied.  “We thought you’d know best how to take care of him.”

“And hang causality?”

“Isn’t that what your lipstick’s for?”

“He’s already _got_ amnesia!”

“Well I’m not sure there’s much more we can do for him here.  Our Time Lord-compatible medical facilities are limited, as you can imagine.”

River sighed.  “Yes.  I suppose you were right to call me.  I’m not sure anyone else could manage him.  And as he’s already seen my face, the damage is done anyway.”

“I told you, the glass is one-way—” Kate was cut off by the door clicking open.  Osgood let out an “eep!” of dismay as the Doctor stuck his head out.

“Would you ladies care to join us?” he asked.  “The door was locked but I’ve fixed it now!”  He tossed his screwdriver in the air and fumbled to catch it, nearly slamming the door shut in his own face.

“Doctor,” River began gently, “I hear you’re not quite feeling yourself.”

“Well!” he said brightly, kicking the door open entirely and emerging into the corridor, “I must be feeling more myself than earlier, I didn’t even know who myself was!”

“And now?”

“Osgood here tells me I’m the Doctor.  Quite an exciting development.  She’s got a whole picture book and everything.  Here, Osgood, why don’t you show— sorry, what was your name?  And do you know, you have the most marvellous hair!”

Behind him, Osgood seemed to be having a small crisis.

“Inhaler!” Kate barked, and she immediately snapped it up to her mouth.

“It has been mentioned, but thank you, sweetie,” River said, stepping forward to take his hand.  “You can call me, ah… Professor Malone.  I’m your ride.”

“Really?  Where are we going?”

“I’m bringing you home with me, if that’s alright.  You can rest up while I figure out what’s happened to your memories.  Seems like you’ve had a—”

“Haircut!” he supplied happily.

“Um, yes, that too, I suppose.  Do you remember that?”

He frowned in thought.  “Might do.  Something about… there was a thing!  No, no, that must have been another one.  Long time since the thing.  Isn’t it?”

“I couldn’t say,” she answered slowly.  “Doctor, are you feeling alright?  You look a bit…”

“Handsome?” he slurred, wobbling slightly on his feet.  “Or sometimes, very irritating… Hang on, do I know y—”  His eyes shut as he suddenly pitched forward into River’s arms.

“He’s been going in and out like that,” said Kate, “but his vitals are fine.”

“Oh, Doctor,” River sighed, hugging him to her chest to keep him upright.  “What am I going to do with you?”

In the doorway, Osgood squeaked.

“Hello, Petronella.”  River smiled over the Doctor’s shoulder.  “See something for your scrapbook?”

“Inhaler!” Kate commanded.

___

For the sake of politeness, River exited through the front door.  Among the many perks of this body of the Doctor’s: a slightly more manageable size for carting around his dead weight.

When they emerged onto the street, he began to stir and mutter to himself, and she carefully set him on his feet.

“Back with me, sweetie?” she asked, holding him steady as his eyes came into focus.

“Huh?  Um, oh, yes, terribly sorry about that, I…  Oh, hello.  It’s you.”

“Yes, we just met earlier.  I’m going to take you home with me, remember?  Let you get some rest while we get your memories sorted.  Are you ready to go?”

“Go?  No, nononono, go, why would we go?  We’ve made it, look!”  He slipped out of her loose grip and staggered toward the edge of the pavement.  “London, 1965!”

“It’s 2014, honey,” River said, catching his wrist before he could trip headlong into traffic.  “And I really do think we ought to get you somewhere with less… potential hazards.”

He giggled as he turned back to face her, and she stuffed down the powerful impulse to kiss him.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Luna, 51st century.  That sound alright to you?”

“You live on the moon!” he cried in delight, swaying closer to her.  “Of course you do!  That’s got to be moon-hair.”

She rolled her eyes, her lips twitching into a grin.  “You sure do know how to charm a girl, Doctor.”

“Do I?”

“Come here,” she said, wrapping an arm around him.  “Don’t want you passing out again mid-trip.  Hold on tight, alright?”

He obediently slipped his arms around her waist, and it seemed that in her peripheral vision he was unsubtly smelling her hair.  Well, personal space would probably boot up with the basic social skills.  It was a good thing she was the one to pick him up.

River dialled the coordinates, and with a crackle of electricity and a burst of ozone, they were deposited in her cottage on Luna.

“Ugh.  What was _that?”_  The Doctor loosened his grip on her, stumbling a bit.   _“Nasty.”_

“Vortex manipulator.  And yes, so I’ve been told.  Here, honey, why don’t you sit,” she suggested, steering him over to the sofa.

“This, this is nice, though,” he said, scanning the room as he dropped down onto the cushions.  “Lots of… um… doodads…?”

“Artefacts,” she supplied.

“That’s the one!  Are you an, uh, an a-aaa....”

“...rchaeologist?” she finished.

“Yes!  I know an archaeologist.”

So perhaps he still had bits and pieces; that was an encouraging start.  “Oh, really?  Who?”

“Um… you know, I can’t remember.”  He frowned down at this knees.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetie,” she soothed.  “I’m sure it’ll all come back to you soon.  How about some tea?”

“Oh, that would be wonderful.  Only… I don’t seem to remember how I take it.”

“Don’t worry about that either,” she replied as she turned for the kitchen, “I’m a good guesser.”

River was a tiny bit concerned that by the time she returned to her living room it would have been torn to pieces by the Doctor’s presently very-much-unfiltered curiosity.  Instead, she found he’d tipped over onto a cushion and fallen asleep.

Oh, she really was in a tricky spot with this one.  He wasn’t supposed to know her at all.  Something about this youthful, idealistic incarnation— the very last before he suffered the full impact of the Time War and the terrible choice to destroy his own people— awakened an especially fierce protectiveness in her.  It hurt just to look at his sweet face, tranquil in sleep, and know what was still to come.

She set the tea tray on the table and went to fetch a blanket from the linen cupboard.  The Doctor’s legs were still on the floor, his body twisted at an awkward angle. She pulled off his shoes and lifted his legs onto the sofa, smiling as he shifted in his sleep into a more comfortable position.  As she draped the blanket over him, she thought she heard him murmur something softly.

_“...ver.”_

Well.

That was probably nothing.

She poured her own cup and settled down in the armchair across from him, switching on her reading lamp as the dim light of the overcast afternoon slowly faded.

___

The Doctor slept through the night.  River spent it in her chair, just in case.

When he woke in the morning, he seemed much more himself.  

“I really do appreciate the hospitality, Professor,” he told her over tea and toast.  “I’m sorry if yesterday I was a little, uh…”

“That’s quite alright, Doctor.”  He smiled back at her, causing a completely absurd burst of butterflies in her stomach.  “And how are you feeling?” she asked.

“Better, thank you.  My mind is more… um, settled.  Though I’m afraid I still don’t remember much.”

“I’ll give you a look over after breakfast, if that’s alright.  UNIT didn’t have the proper equipment for a full exam.”

“And you do?”

“Oh, you just never know what’ll come in useful in archaeology.”

He shrugged.  “I’ll take your word for it.  This tea is _perfect,_ by the way.”

River smiled.  “I thought it might be.”

___

“Okay, basics,” she said as she hovered in front of him where he sat stiffly on the edge of the sofa.  “Did Petronella go over this with you?  The Doctor: Time Lord renegade, Prydonian chapter, Gallifrey, big blue box, that sort of thing?”

“Um, basically, yes, but there were illustrations.  I-is that a trowel?”

“It is.”

“Planning on doing some gardening?”

“I’m scanning you,” she said, activating it with a whirrr and a flash of blue light as she swiped it over his head.  “It’s got apps.”

“A _trowel,_ though?”

She paused, raising an eyebrow at him.  “And a screwdriver’s better?”

“Oh, right, that.  Uh, fair point.”

“Hm.  I could get used to you admitting that.”  She turned the trowel over in her hands. “Doesn’t look like any physical or psychic damage that I can see.  Can you remember anything before they picked you up?”

“Umm…” he frowned, running his hand through his hair.  “No, still a blank.  Sorry.”

“The real mystery is how you wound up there in the first place.  UNIT scanned for the TARDIS and she was nowhere nearby.”  She stood fully, tucking her trowel back into its case.

“I was wondering, Professor.  How do you know me?”

The question shouldn’t have caught her unawares, really; she’d been expecting it.  But the Doctor’s voice was soft and earnest in a way that suggested he was beginning to suspect the answer.  At the very least, there was no point in pretending they’d only met yesterday.

“Well,” she started hesitantly, avoiding his gaze as she turned to sit beside him, “it’s a long story.”

“We’ve known each other a long time, then.”

“You… could say that.”

“And have you got another name, Professor?”

“I’ve a few,” she answered lightly.  “You know how it is.”

“You don’t want to tell me?”

“Oh, honey,” she sighed.  “Want’s got nothing to do with it.  That way lies… well.  Best we don’t find out.”

“I suppose it would kill you to be a bit less cryptic.”

“Basically.”

He huffed out a bitter laugh, shaking his head.  “Then at least answer me this.  Can I trust you?”

River turned in her seat to finally look at him properly, offering him a wan smile.  “What do you think?”

His sharp blue eyes roamed over her face, searching.  Though his brow was creased with tension, she could see warmth, too.  A trace, perhaps, of recognition.  If not from any memory, then from whatever intangible connection existed between them, that kept them always orbiting round each other, forever anticipating the moment their paths through time and space would cross again.

“You know,” he said quietly, “for some reason, I think I already do.”

She wasn’t quite sure when they’d ended up so close.  Her knee was brushing his thigh, and they’d both leaned in, pulled as ever by the gravity of what went unspoken between them.  His eyes were softer now as he studied her, something pained in his expression.  Maybe he’d found what he was looking for, but couldn’t understand it yet.  Her pulse pounded in her ears as the Doctor began to lift his hand, then appeared to remember himself, curling his fingers and resting it back against the sofa cushion.

“I should, ah, let you go get cleaned up,” she said, lowering her eyes and leaning away before she did something very stupid.  “Didn’t want to wake you last night, but there’s a guest room and a bathroom just down the corridor.  I have some shirts that might do in a pinch, but beyond that I think we’ll have to take you shopping if you want a fresh set of clothes.  Doubt we’re going to find any exact duplicates, but I’ll do my best.”

“Oh.”  When she glanced up at him again, he was blinking as if coming out of a daze.  “Right.  This is, um, sort of a uniform, then?” he asked, looking self-consciously down at his somewhat dusty clothing.

“You change it up every couple of hundred years.”

___

Over the coming days, they fell into a strangely comfortable routine.  River skipped work to keep an eye on the Doctor— she could always pop back and make up the lectures she’d missed later.  She was glad for all of her recent experience with young versions of her husband.  It would have been more painful, if she weren’t already getting quite used to keeping her hands off, pretending (if only barely) that maybe they were only friends.  Instead, she did her best to shut away the part of her hearts that was desperate for his affection, and simply enjoy his company.

And, god, she really did.  She would surely love every one of him, but there was no denying that this one was especially sweet.  And it was refreshing, the total lack of suspicion in his eyes.  Even though he didn’t know her, he seemed to have easily accepted that she was on his side.

She told him stories about his life, carefully triple-checking the timeline in her head to make sure she never got ahead of him.  His childhood, his friends.  His family, once upon a time.  His adventures through the stars.  He listened with wide-eyed, rapt attention, and seemed to find none of the larger-than-life tales difficult to believe.  But still he didn’t remember.

Failing to discover her name or her history or how they came to know each other, the Doctor had begun pressing her instead with simple questions she couldn’t bring herself to deny him an answer to.  Her favourite areas of study.  Her favourite colour.  What kinds of cuisine she preferred.  What sort of music she liked.  Every time he gathered a new little piece of her puzzle, his delighted smile tied her insides in knots.  

With his manic energy seemingly reduced to a dull roar, he didn’t appear to be suffering any adverse effects from whatever had caused his memory loss.  He slept a lot more than he normally did, but all the rest was probably good for him.  And as keeping him under house arrest was an entirely futile effort at the best of times, she didn’t see any harm in them having a little fun together while they could.  Somehow, he talked her into going to dinner with him every night, showing him her favourite spots on Luna.  Seeing the New New York Philharmonic when they came to town.  Going out dancing.

They took a taxi service home that night, and she ducked into the back seat after him, giddy and buzzing with enjoyment in a way she suspected had little to do with the champagne she’d been drinking.  The Doctor slid into the middle seat, leaving no space between them. River smiled to herself as she rested her head on his shoulder.  Just this much couldn’t hurt, right?  At least, not any more than it already did.

He reached silently for her hand, threading his fingers through hers.

Oh, she was going to have to be more careful.  But later.  When they were out of the car.

___

They were back at home, hanging up their coats before either dared to break the companionable quiet that had descended over them.  

“Professor,” the Doctor suddenly said, “did you tell me your surname is Malone?”

“Yes…” she answered warily.

“And is it?”

“Honey,” she sighed, “we’ve been over this.  I can’t—”

“It’s just,” he interrupted anxiously, “I suddenly thought it might be Spritz?”

“Spritz?”  River turned to face him, utterly at a loss.  “I can quite honestly tell you, Doctor, I’ve never heard that one before.”

“No?  Funny.  I just thought…” he trailed off, shaking his head.  “No, it’s nothing.  Forget I asked.”

“If you’re sure,” she said, frowning as she rested a steadying hand on his arm.

Their eyes met and a warm smile spread over his face again, and suddenly that buzzing feeling was back, buoying her chest as he laid his hand gently over hers.

Oh, no, no, she was supposed to be _stopping_ this.

He was drifting closer.  Her breath caught in her throat, and she _knew_ she should move, turn away and put some distance between them, but instead her eyes began to close.

“Or, actually—” he suddenly blurted, and River’s eyes snapped open, the blood pounding in her ears.  “Sorry, this is going to sound strange.”

“Try me,” she muttered hoarsely.

“Is it possible you were ever a nun who looked quite a lot like Rita Hayworth?”

She gaped silently at him.

“That’s… probably another ‘no,’ then.”

“Sweetie, are you feeling alright?”

“Hm?  Oh, yes!”  He smiled as he squeezed her hand reassuringly.  “Never better.  Well, as far as I know.”

“I’d better scan you again, just to be sure,” she said, frowning.  “Tonight may have been too much for you.”  Before she thought to suppress the instinct, she reached up to brush a curl back from his face, and he leaned just a little into her touch.  Oh, she was making a complete mess of this.

“Honestly, I really don’t think—”

“I’ll be right back,” she said, and took off for her room.

Well, that was that.  They’d done enough sitting and waiting to see if his memories would return, and now things were starting to go bad.  Oh, she’d been so stupid!  Keeping him here, thinking just this once, maybe they could take the easy way out.  If anything went permanently wrong with his memories— her throat constricted and her eyes burned as she hurried down the corridor, the heavy skirts of her dress swishing about her.  To say she’d never forgive herself was putting it far too mildly.

But no, there was no use thinking like that.  She was going to have to take a more proactive approach.  Go out and hunt down some clues.  There had to be a trace of whatever had happened to him.  Maybe she could start by looking for the TARDIS.  It seemed it wasn’t going to be as simple as waiting for him to remember where he’d parked.  But then, when was anything with them ever simple?

She rushed back into the front hall, trowel brandished ahead of her.  The Doctor was still hovering there awkwardly, his suit jacket in his hand.  He opened his mouth to speak, but she _shush_ ed him and waved the trowel over his face, the buzzing tone drowning out whatever he might have said.

“Well?” he asked as she turned it over, the psychic readings spooling out in her mind’s eye.

“You’re fine,” she replied, a bit shakily.  “It says you’re fine.”

“Course I am.  Fit as a fiddle, didn’t I say?  I’m just talking nonsense.”

“Yes, and, and ordinarily that would be comforting, but not _now,_ not when you’re like _this_ —” she took a sharp breath, and the Doctor’s face fell.

“Hey,” he soothed, dropping his jacket to the floor and laying his hands on her shoulders.  “Don’t worry about me.  I’m fine, Ri—”  His face screwed up in confusion for a moment as he seemed to trip over his own tongue, and River’s hearts lurched.

“You’re not fine,” she said softly.  “You’ve lost your memories and I’ve just been stupidly waiting for them to come back.  Tomorrow, we go out looking for them.”

“Go _where?_  Do you even have any idea of where to start?”

“I’ll work something out.”

“Come on,” he scoffed, “all of time and space, you said.  It won’t do us any good to go charging out there blind.”

“You can talk,” she laughed, but her eyes were stinging again.  “It would be so much easier if we had the TARDIS.  We could retrace your steps, find out what happened.”

“Why don’t we worry about it in the morning?” he suggested, and with his warm hands on her bare shoulders and that soft look in his eyes, it took her a moment to remember that he wasn’t hers yet, and getting to the morning meant bidding him goodnight.

“Okay,” she whispered, trying to push down the panic shivering around her hearts and the desperate desire to seek comfort his arms.  “In the morning.”

Before he could ruin her by doing something wonderful again, she flashed him a weak smile and turned away.

___

Not long after River retreated to her bedroom, the rain began.

She’d always loved storms when she was a girl.  Both times, in fact.  It was a sort of comforting force, a part of her reality that was totally outside of _their_ power.  Something wild and dangerous, but calming and vital too.  Lightning crashed, and then plants grew.

Sometimes, on a good day, she still loved to listen to the rain fall and thunder roll.  When they were lying together in bed, letting the lazy minutes tick by, slowly and in order, in that rare and precious way they seldom did.  When she was cosy at home with a long book and a cup of tea.  When the first tulips she planted in her garden began to bloom.

On a less good day, she was back in Stormcage again.

When twenty minutes of tossing and turning had done nothing to calm her anxiety, she finally leaned over and reached for the bedside lamp.

She nearly yelped when the light clicked on to reveal the Doctor standing in her doorway, wide-eyed and looking completely ridiculous with the bedsheet pulled around his shoulders.

“Do you need something, sweetie?” she asked, willing her racing pulse to calm.

Lightning flashed, fully illuminating the room for a moment as he hovered in the doorframe.

 _“You,”_ he breathed.

River raised an eyebrow, sitting up against the headboard as her hearts began to settle.  “How unexpectedly forward of you, Doctor.  Not that I mind.”  A deep roll of thunder rumbled in the distance.

“It’s you.”  He stood frozen, one hand half-raised as if he couldn’t quite decide what to do with himself.  “I, I know you.”

“Forgive my saying so, honey, but aren’t I pretty much the only person you know at the moment?”

“No, I mean…”  He shook his head in frustration, then suddenly froze, his eyes lighting up. _“River.”_  A brilliant smile broke over his face.  “I remember— River!”

Her blood ran cold, her ears ringing.  “You… you really shouldn’t,” she choked out.

“What?”  The Doctor finally crossed the room to her, the bedsheet falling from his shoulders and drifting to the floor.  “What do you mean?  River, this is wonderful!  All this time I thought I was lost, but… I must already be home.”

Swallowing against the sudden ache in her throat, River curled her legs under her and patted the bed in invitation.

“It’s strange,” he went on as he sat down beside her, “it’s like some of the memories aren’t quite mine.  They _are,_ but I’m not… me.  Not exactly.  It’s almost like a dream.”

She stared down at the little flowers on her duvet, the pattern repeating only twice in the scant space between them.  “You, ah, remember that book of Petronella’s, with the pictures?  Seven other faces.  All you.”

“Right.  The whole ‘regeneration’ thing.  That makes sense, I suppose.”

“But Doctor… _I_ shouldn’t be in your memories.”

“What?” he laughed incredulously.  “Of course you are!  You’re the only thing I can see clearly.  I keep changing, but you… you’re always the same.  River,” he sighed, and when she looked up again he was smiling at her with so much love and longing that she found herself blinking back tears.  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?” she whispered.

He reached for her hand, closing the last bit of distance between them.  “That you’re my wife.”

“Oh.”  She swallowed thickly as he rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, her hearts hammering furiously against her ribs once again.  “Well, that… tends to be something best discovered in a more formal setting.”

He laughed softly.  “But that’s not how we did it, is it?”

“You— you remember our wedding?” she sputtered.

The Doctor frowned.  “...No, I can’t quite seem to.”

River let out a sharp breath, relief momentarily washing over her.  At least he wasn’t somehow remembering in the wrong direction.  “For the best.  I wouldn’t want you becoming cross with yourself.”

“Why would I—”

“But if you don’t remember it,” she went on hurriedly, “how do you know?”

“I… I think you sort of suggested it.  But after all this… after being here with you, I just knew.”

She put that last bit aside before she could start to cry or throw herself at him or both.  “I’m not sure what I find more unlikely,” she quipped instead, hating the way her trembling voice betrayed her, “that you somehow already have memories of me, or that one of you is capable of taking a hint.”

“Didn’t you want me to know, River?” he asked quietly, and watching his sweet face start to fall was more than she could stand.

“Oh, Doctor,” she sighed, reaching up to cup his cheek, “of course I did.  More than anything.  It’s just… the memories you’re regaining.  I don’t know what they are, but they’re not the ones you’re meant to have.  It’s too early.”

“What do you mean?”  His brow furrowed even as he leaned into her touch, nudging his cheek against her palm.

“You know the whole travelling through time business?  We never can quite seem to get on the same page with that for long.  Sweetie… you haven’t met me yet.”

Lightning flashed again, followed more closely than before by a sharp crack of thunder.

“But I _have,_ River.  So many times— here, just listen.  In one, I’m in some sort of office.  Horrible place, _relentlessly_ dull.  It seems to go on forever, until suddenly… you.”  Whatever visions he was recalling, the besotted grin on his face was strikingly familiar.  “Ms. Song.  You were brilliant.  You pointed a gun at me!  That was the most exciting thing that had happened to me in… um, well, _ever,_ as far as I know.”

She laughed in spite of herself, her mind racing.  If this memory was real, then it seemed she was going to continue to break all of her rules for him.  Perhaps that really shouldn’t have been a surprise.

“What face of yours was this?”

“Um.  A bit testy?  Dramatic.  Curly hair.”

She snorted.  “Hat and scarf?”

“No, no— although actually, now that you mention it…”

“Appalling coat, then?”

“Yes!” he laughed.  “That one.”  He wrinkled his nose.  “Don’t know what I was thinking.”

River bit her lip and wisely said nothing.  

“I think you saved the world,” the Doctor said, tracing very distracting circles in her palm with his thumb.

“Oh, give yourself a little credit,” she scoffed.  “I’m sure you were at least slightly involved.”

He laughed, his eyes bright in the lamplight.  Resisting the urge to grab his stupidly beautiful face and snog him silly was becoming more agonising by the moment.

“And was that the end?” she asked instead, which was probably just as bad, really, because whatever this was, it was definitely spoilers.

“Well, there was… something else.”  He shifted nervously on the bed, but when he settled again he’d only gotten closer.  River wondered if he could see her quivering with the effort of holding still, her body strung taut as he slowly leaned into her space.  He lifted his hand to brush her hair back from her face and she sucked in a quiet breath.

At his slight hesitation, she managed a choked whisper of encouragement.  “Go on.”

The Doctor’s tentative smile widened.  “That’s the same thing you said—”  He didn’t quite get to finish that thought.  She might have slightly jumped the gun a bit at the end.

An entirely undignified whimper escaped her as her lips met his.  She tipped carelessly toward him, upsetting her balance in favour of gripping his shirt in her fist and throwing her arm over his shoulder.  She felt him smile against her lips as he wrapped his arm around her back, pulling her closer.

Thunder rumbled outside, rain lashing against the windowpanes in sheets, and a swell of blissful contentment filled her chest.  The strain of keeping her distance and their secrets melted away under the tender warmth of his mouth on hers, the pressure of his palm on her back, the slight friction of his thumb brushing over her cheek.  It was the same relief and elation she always felt when it was not only the Doctor but _her husband_ who came to call; when she saw recognition and love in his eyes.

It was far too soon for that, of course.  But she’d worry about it in the morning.

River released her white-knuckled hold on the Doctor’s shirt to spread her palm against his chest, shifting her other hand to wrap around the back of his neck.  She was stretched over his lap at an awkward angle, but she didn’t dare move and shatter the spell.  Not when he was holding her steady, pressing kiss after soft, lingering kiss to her lips, setting her stomach fluttering and sparking an urgent heat that raced through her in delicious contrast to their unhurried pace.

When he slowly pulled back, it was only enough to get a breath, his lips brushing over her cheek instead as his fingers curled into her hair.

“Sweetie,” she whispered.  

He smiled as he leaned farther back to look at her.

“I do mean it, I’m afraid.”  Oh.  Apparently she was still worrying about it tonight.  “Even if I’ve evidently been… visiting your past, I can’t let you remember it.  Or this.  You don’t know me yet, and that can’t change, or none of _this_ ever happens.”

“Or,” he began, in that promising tone that had convinced so many to follow him anywhere, “maybe it does, but sooner.”

“Doctor,” she sighed, “you know better.”

“Are you quite sure about that?”

“I’m sure that I won’t risk it.  I won’t risk us.  Not even for you, my love.”  She rubbed her thumb over his chest, offering him a wistful smile.  “You’ll understand someday.  We’re going to have to fix this, and soon, I think.  Before I do any more damage.  But… you can stay tonight.”

“You mean—” he glanced down at the bed.

“If you want.”

“I definitely don’t want to go,” he blurted.

River grinned, sitting up again and moving over to the far side of the bed.  “Come here.  And get the light, would you?”

The Doctor followed her instructions, switching off the lamp and pulling back the covers to settle in beside her.  She immediately pulled him close, tucking his face against her chest and pressing a kiss into his hair.  He let out a heavy breath as he relaxed into her, wrapping his arm around her waist.  

His double-pulse echoed her own, thudding in a nervous rhythm against her ribs.  She counted out the beats, rising and falling.  Four, eight, twelve.  The downpour outside faded to a dull roar.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, slowly rubbing her hand over his back in idle circles.

He sighed, his breath fanning over her shoulder, and River suppressed a shudder.  “Like I’ve been here— I mean, _here_ —” he held her just a little tighter, “before.  Nothing else has felt familiar.  It’s all been a blank.  But this feels right, River.”

She swallowed, staring stubbornly up at the suddenly blurry ceiling as another flash of lightning lit the room.  “You’ve got to stop saying things like that.”

The Doctor lifted his head, frowning up at her.  “Sorry.  Er, like what?”

“You’re making it very difficult for me to let you go,” she whispered.

“So don’t.”

River fought the lump in her throat, feeling a desperate flash of envy for his ignorance.  It was exhausting, always being the grown-up, putting all her desires aside for the heavy responsibility of maintaining their timelines.  But he’d done the same for her once, so long ago now.  And she wouldn’t give that burden up, not for anything.

“Doctor,” she said levelly, looking him firmly in the eye, “it’s not up to us.  We’ve got to get the rest of your memories back.”

“I suppose.”

_“Doctor.”_

“Yes, fine; you’re right of course,” he sighed, lowering his head again.  “I guess I’ll need those.  But I don’t see that we need to be in any hurry.”

“No hurry,” she repeated incredulously, even as her hand wandered up to thread through his hair.  “To get back _all_ of your memories?  You’re really not bothered that you’re missing them?”

“At the moment?”  He gave her another gentle squeeze as he sighed, “Not at all.”

River was very glad that he couldn’t see her face.  “Thought I told you to stop that,” she mumbled hoarsely.

He tilted his head, brushing a kiss over her collarbone.  “Sorry,” he said again, but she could hear the little smile in his voice.

“Why don’t you try to get some sleep,” she suggested, absently stroking his hair.  He still seemed to need the extra rest, and at least then she could continue her internal struggles in peace.

“Alright,” the Doctor agreed, shifting to fit a little closer against her side.  “Goodnight, River.”

Her hearts fluttered madly as she hugged him tight to her chest.  At least, for now, she could have this: the comfort of her Doctor wrapped around her, his presence warm and familiar, for all that his body was new to her.  One more precious night she wouldn’t have to spend missing him.

“Goodnight, sweetie,” she breathed into his hair.

River had no intentions of sleeping.  Not when she had a mystery to solve, and not a clue of where to begin.  Not with the dread of foreknowledge weighing heavy on her hearts as she held the man she so fiercely loved, free for the moment from the burden of all the pain he’d suffered.  For all his youthful idealism, she knew this Doctor wasn’t truly naive.  He’d already seen more heartbreak than anyone deserved, and come through still burning with that intrinsic goodness that drove him to always believe the best in others, to always keep the hope for peace alive.  

None of what he’d forgotten for now had been enough to break him.  All that was left for him to endure was the unimaginable.  And it was her task to return all of his painful memories to him, and release him to that terrible fate.  There was no changing it.  There was no choice.

She swiped her wrist over her eyes, doing her best to steady her breathing and not move enough to wake him.  The Doctor stirred slightly, snuggling into her in his sleep, and a fresh wave of hot tears spilled over.  She took a shaky breath, squeezing her eyes shut, and tried to quiet her mind, focussing instead on the deep contentment of having him near.   

At some point in the night, as she listened to his soft breathing and the gentle rainfall outside, sleep claimed her after all.

___

When her eyes fluttered open again, adjusting to the dim grey glow filtering through the heavy clouds, thunder was rolling once more.  The Doctor was settled on the opposite pillow, his face inches from hers, blue eyes blinking slowly.  As she blearily studied him in the soft light, a lazy smile curled his lips.

For a moment, River fought to clear her foggy mind, but then he leaned forward to kiss her, and she decided that thinking wasn’t really a necessity.  His arm slipped around her back, his palm pressed to her skin where her top had hitched up in her sleep, and she hummed with pleasure at the heat of his touch.  

A glowing warmth spread through her as their gentle kisses grew more urgent.  She held his face in her hands, wishing she could pour the whole maddening mess of her love into him, that he could somehow taste their future on her tongue.  That he would know, even if she had to leave him now, someday she’d always be there to save him.

In her drowsy haze, she may have thought a little too loudly in his direction.  The Doctor made a deep, strangled sound and pulled her closer.

“Sweetie,” she breathed against his lips, helpless to resist when he drew her in for another slow kiss that left her head spinning.  

“Yes, dear?”  The sound of the familiar endearment in his low, lovely voice set a ridiculous burst of butterflies quivering in her stomach again.

“I—”  Her breath hitched as she grasped for words.  The ache of want pounded in her veins as she stroked her fingertips over his face, acutely aware of his body pressed tight to hers, his arms wrapped securely around her, the earnest affection shining in his eyes.

“Tell me.  What do you want, River?”  The Doctor’s soft question was full of promise as he dipped his head, brushing his lips over her jaw, then her throat.  She made an involuntary, desperate little sound, curling her fingers in his hair.

“You’re very young, my love,” she said, though the protest sounded weak to her own ears.

He laughed.  “I’ve been younger.”

“Even so, I—”  Her sleepy mind caught his meaning a moment later.  The Doctor lifted his head again as she gaped at him.  “You don’t mean we…?”

“Appalling coat,” he confirmed, grinning.  “You know, you told me you liked that coat.  I didn’t take you as the sort for telling flattering lies.”

River barked out a disbelieving little laugh, her hearts beating erratically.  “Well, I’ve got to say it now, haven’t I?  You _really_ shouldn’t be telling me any of this.  …And maybe you needed a little flattery.”

“You called me an idiot quite a lot too.”

“That sounds more like it.”

He was still grinning when he kissed her again.  The last of her convictions that she was really crossing a line began to crumble beneath the evidence that she’d already done so.  Who was she to argue with causality?

“You don’t mind that you won’t remember this?” she gasped, evidently determined to belabour the point anyway.

The Doctor sighed, kissing her cheek and hugging her close.  “I mind.  Of course I mind.  Whatever else I’ve yet to remember about my past, I seriously doubt it will make me any less reluctant to leave you, River.  But what else can I do?  This— here, with you, is where I’m meant to be.  I know it.  I’ve just gotten here a little early.”

Tears stung her eyes again as she clung to him.  “I _told_ you to stop doing that.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled into her neck.  “I guess you’ll have to shut me up.”

The sound of their mingled laughter blended into the steady rainfall as he gripped her close and rolled to the side, pulling her on top of him.  She tossed her hair over her shoulder and sat up, smiling down at him and resting her hands over his hearts.

“How many?” he asked suddenly.

“Sorry?”

“How many lives?  How many more regenerations, until I meet you for the last time?”

River nearly recoiled at the question, but she couldn’t bring herself to speak to refuse him.  The words stuck in her throat.

“Please, River?”  He smiled, a curl of his lips that didn’t reach his pained eyes.  “After all, I won’t remember it.”  His steady pulse thrummed beneath her palms.

“Three,” she found herself whispering.

The Doctor let out a heavy breath, dropping his gaze as he frowned.  She swallowed, a lump in her throat once more.

“And are they any good?  Because I could speed through them.”

 _“Doctor!”_  She withdrew her hand from his chest to smack him in the shoulder.  “Don’t you dare even joke about that.  It’s _not_ funny.”

The sheepish grin he gave her in return as he looked up at her through his lashes was unreasonably disarming.  “Worth a shot.”

“Idiot,” she said, bending over him again.  He offered no objections.

She took his stupid, beautiful face in her hands and finally managed to shut him up.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the artificial dawn crept over Luna’s horizon, River found herself waking to a very different world. Her face was pressed to the Doctor’s chest, their limbs entangled, the sheets twisted around them. She allowed herself a moment just to bask in it, breathing him in: familiar and new at once, firing up a strange pattern of synapses in her brain as memory joined discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was going to be two chapters originally, but it seemed natural to break it where I did here, so there's going to be at least three... maybe four. Hope you enjoy!

 

When the artificial dawn crept over Luna’s horizon, River found herself waking to a very different world.  Her face was pressed to the Doctor’s chest, their limbs entangled, the sheets twisted around them.  She allowed herself a moment just to bask in it, breathing him in: familiar and new at once, firing up a strange pattern of synapses in her brain as memory joined discovery.  The desire to press her lips to his warm skin was a magnetic, automatic response, and it took every ounce of willpower she possessed to resist it.

Instead, she carefully unwound herself from his embrace and slipped out of bed, lifting his discarded pyjama top from the floor and slipping it over her head.  She stretched as she turned back to make sure he hadn’t woken.  The pale pink dawn had just begun to illuminate the room, and the Doctor was a vision in the soft light, his dark curls a dishevelled mess, his lips just slightly parted in sleep.  Her hearts swelled with affection as she leaned over him, tugging the sheet up to cover his shoulders.  Then she made a hasty retreat from the room, before she could talk herself out of it.

Alone in her kitchen, her bare feet on the cold tile, the absurdity and the reality of the situation began to settle over her.  However truly wonderful it might be to share this strange little interlude in time with him… she let out a sharp sigh, a giddy, buzzing heat rushing through her as she let her eyes drift shut and her mind stray back to their bed.  

No, no, _stop that._

She reached for the kettle and brought it to the tap, shaking away her daydreams.  However much she dearly loved his company, the important thing now was returning his memories to him and getting him home safe to wherever it was he belonged at this point in his life.  As desperately as she wished to keep him from what lay ahead, he had to go.

As she switched the kettle on, her muddled thoughts were interrupted by the sound of feet shuffling across the floor.  She’d just begun to turn back to ask him what he was doing out of bed so early when the Doctor’s arms wrapped around her from behind, his chin tucked into her shoulder, stubble rasping slightly against her skin as he hugged her back to his chest.

“You left,” he mumbled sleepily, punctuating the words with a soft kiss to her neck that sent a shiver all the way down to her toes.

“Thought I’d better get an early start,” she replied, a little breathlessly.  “All of time and space.  We have quite a search ahead of us.”

“Oh, that.  It can wait, don’t you think?”

River snorted.  “I’m glad you think so, but seeing as the only thing you can remember right now is shagging me in an office—”

“And the Zero Room,” he added, interspersing his words with more kisses, and she curled her fingers around the edge of the sink, trying to keep herself steady.

“So you remember the Zero Room now?”  She smiled dazedly as she watched their reflections in the kitchen windowpane.  The absurd size of her morning hair was only to be expected, really, framing a partial halo around them against the overlaid golds of sunlight splashing over the rows of houses outside.  The Doctor’s face was obscured, just a blur of dark hair, bobbing as he nudged her collar farther to the side to press his lips to her shoulder.  River’s eyes fluttered shut as she dropped her head back to rest against him.

“I wasn’t really paying it much attention at the time,” he murmured into her skin.  “Come back to bed?”

The hope and promise in his low, drowsy voice was irresistible.  As the thrill of anticipation wound around her insides, a grin spread across her face.

“We’ve done the bed,” she said, reaching one hand back to slide through his hair.  “I’d hate for you to get the impression that we’re boring.”

He laughed, nuzzling into her neck.  “You, boring?  I doubt that that’s possible.”

“Mmm, I’ll remind you of that the next time you decide to attend one of my lectures.”

“I’m certain they’re brilliant.”

“So you’ve no problem with archaeology, then?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s my _favourite_ discipline, but I have a feeling you could change my mind.”

“Oh, keep up the sweet talk, Time Lord,” River chuckled, grinning as she turned her head to press a kiss to his cheek.  

“I will,” he promised, “long as you’ll keep me.”  She swallowed, the smile slowly falling from her face.  “I know,” the Doctor said quietly, tightening his arms around her.  “But as I said, I’m in no hurry.”

River took a shaky breath.  “Actually,” she muttered through her dry throat, “maybe less talking for now.”

“Alright.”  He kissed her just behind her ear.  “What do you suggest?”

“Well, I did have something in mind.”   

His breath stuttered in her ear when she rocked her hips back against him, and for once, he was quick to take the hint.  He slipped his hand beneath the hem of her stolen shirt, letting out a sharp little laugh when he found her bare beneath it.  

“Something the matter, honey?” River asked sweetly, pressing back into him again and relishing the way his hips jerked forward to meet her.

“No, no.  Everything’s perfect,” he sighed, brushing his palm over her navel before sliding his hand up to cup her breast.

She exhaled a breathy moan, soaking in the heat of his body wrapped around her, his mouth moving messily, absentmindedly along her neck and shoulder as he circled his thumb slowly over her nipple.  Sparks hummed across her skin, and she gripped the edge of the sink, widening her stance a little before she could go too weak in the knees.

The Doctor picked up that hint too, bless him, and relinquished his hold on her hip to slip his hand between her thighs.

 _“River,”_ he whispered, and a shudder swept down her spine.  He’d barely stopped kissing her long enough to breathe the previous night, but stood behind her now, his lips fluttered along her jaw, his breath harsh against her neck.  As he explored her with a gentle touch, he spoke again, low in her ear.

“Is this how it is?” he asked, warmth ringing in his voice.  He settled into a rhythm, each stroke of his fingertips sending a wave of heat spreading through her.  

“What’s that, my love?” she sighed.

“This.  Us.  I follow you, anywhere.”

River choked out a laugh.  “Certainly applies to _some_ areas.  It’s mutual, mostly.  Why?  Does that—” she gasped as he hit just the right spot, and he caught on beautifully once again, steadily repeating the motion until she was shaking in his arms, grasping for her train of thought.  “Is… that what you want?”  Her voice was too breathy and broken for teasing, and she found an unexpected earnestness in her question.

Because wasn’t it nice, sometimes, just to dream of what might have been?  Them, together, choosing each other without all the madness?  Wouldn’t it be nice to _know_ that he would?

“Yes,” the Doctor said, simply and with the same sincerity, and chills prickled over her skin.  “Just this once, River, I think I’d love to know where I’m going.”

That lit up something in her brain, something she felt she should pay attention to, but with tears stinging her eyes and pleasure building under his steady touch, it would have to wait.  

“Honey,” she moaned, “please.  Need you.”

He pressed another warm, lingering kiss to her neck before slowly releasing her to remove his trousers.  River took the opportunity to hastily pull the other half of his pyjamas over her own head, tossing the shirt aside and ignoring the mass of her hair descending over her shoulders again, no doubt an even more enormous mess than before.

He was draped over her again in a moment, his arms winding around her waist, and it was _so_ much better, feeling his warm skin against hers.  She slowly bent forward, grasping the edge of the sink.  The Doctor didn’t loosen his grip, pressed flush to her back as he leaned over her.  He rested his cheek between her shoulder blades for a moment, hugging her tight, and the love swelling in her chest nearly took her breath away.

“Is this alright?” he whispered, as they shifted together to find the right angle.  

 _“Yes,”_ River moaned.  She shuffled back a step from the worktop to bend further at the waist, her arms outstretched and fingers clinging precariously to the lip of the sink.   _“Please,_ Doctor,” she urged again.  While one day he’d delight in making her beg, she knew that now he was waiting for her reassurance at every turn.  

Her Doctor gave her what she wanted, as always, breathing her name in a broken whisper as he slid into her.  River groaned, dropping her head and arching against him, her arms trembling with the strain.  He just held her, his hips still as he peppered kisses over her back.

She realised he was whispering her name again, _“River, River, River,”_ like it was the only word he could remember.  A shiver rippled through her body, and she rocked her hips into him, another low moan rising in her throat.  The Doctor followed her lead, and slowly began to move.

“Oh, sweetie,” she sighed, an ecstatic stream of nonsense and endearments spilling from her lips as he slowly pulled back and pushed into her again.  She rocked her hips sharply back to meet him, guiding him to throw more of his weight into her, until they found just the right pace and words failed her entirely, her cries ringing through her little kitchen.

“River,” the Doctor muttered again, his voice breathless and shaking but so tender as his lips moved against her skin.  He shifted his arms around her, splaying his hands over her stomach, then her hips.  When he slid one hand below her navel, she moaned at the promising heat of his palm on her skin.  

“I didn’t remember it all,” he panted, and it took everything in her to focus on his lovely voice as his fingers slipped between her thighs again.  His touch was quick and sure and suddenly, viscerally familiar.  “I didn’t remember marrying you, but it’s just, I’ve just—” his breath hitched on a soft laugh.  “Oh, River, how many times?  How many places?”

She knew that was important too, that those words deserved her critical attention and not just the swell of emotion rising in her chest, but it was no use.  The sharp heat spreading from his eager touch melted into the deep, aching satisfaction each time he rocked into her, and suddenly she was hurtling toward the edge, a wordless cry on her lips.

“What do you say, darling,” his deep voice rumbled against her back, gooseflesh spreading in its wake, “how about once more?”

 _“Doctor,”_ she sobbed, lost for words for the overwhelming feeling rolling through her.

“Here, I’ve got you,” he soothed, curling his arm around her middle to support her, and she felt suddenly, absurdly young again.  Like when he’d been the older one, who knew every little thing about her, who first held her like they’d been made just for each other, and showed her with infinite care and patience how to trust him.  

“I’ve got you,” the Doctor said again.  “I love you.”

The wave of pleasure crashed over River with such sudden force that everything went utterly quiet as she arched and trembled in his arms.  When at last she took a deep, shuddering breath, her ears rang and her throat ached as if she’d been screaming.

She half expected to find herself on the floor, but instead she was standing, turning toward the Doctor as he held her up.  Her eyelashes were wet, and he pressed quick, fervent kisses to her face that she dazedly tried to chase with her lips as he guided her away from the worktop.  River followed after him, her legs like jelly, gripping his arms to steady herself.  He stumbled back in the direction of the kitchen table, landing awkwardly in a chair and grinning up at her as he pulled her by the hand.  

“What do you say?” he asked again.

“To what?”  She finally managed to speak as she climbed into his lap.

“Let’s get married.”  His eyes were bright, his smile dazzling as she shifted closer, bracing her hands on his shoulders.  “Ha-have we ever been married on the moon?” he gasped out, his eyes drifting shut and his hands gripping her hips as she sank down onto him.

Not trusting herself to answer, River blinked back her tears and cut off any further proposals with a kiss.  The Doctor responded eagerly, reaching up to cup her cheek and sliding his arm around her back, pulling her close.  She melted into him, sighing against his lips and humming with pleasure as she rolled her hips.  It didn’t surprise her that he preferred to have her face to face.  Someday, she’d help him develop a better appreciation for variety in (and out of) the bedroom, but now, wrapped in his arms as he kissed her with a sort of gentle desperation, she wanted nothing else.

Already wonderfully sated and relaxed, each little jolt as they rocked together blended into a soft, intoxicating warmth, washing over her like water.  The Doctor’s hands trembled as he held her tight, his body tensing beneath her.  Her fingers tangled in his hair as she curled her tongue around his, flush with the heady joy of making her husband lose control.

He went still in her arms, shuddering and moaning, and with a sudden flash, the warm familiarity of his mind flooded into hers.  River whimpered into his mouth as she was swept up in the rush: the blinding lust and the desperate adoration, his deep longing to _just hold her this close forever_.  His shaking hands fell to her hips, pulling her firmly against him once, twice— and it suddenly overwhelmed her.  Pleasure surged through their mingled minds and pulled her under again as she broke away from his mouth to scream into his shoulder.

As she collapsed limply against his chest, a voice echoed in her mind, deep and full of affection, but it wasn’t his.  Not this one’s.

 _Oh, my love, we had such a wonderful time!  The beaches, the mountains, and_ oh…

 _No!_ her own voice insisted, incredulous.

_And you told me I’d never looked lovelier._

_You’re not ringing any bells._

_And the bells ringing, yes!  In the beautiful little church by the river!_

“Sorry,” the Doctor gasped aloud, brushing his fingers tenderly over her lower back as the psychic connection slowly receded.  “Didn’t mean to—”

“You couldn’t have done if I didn’t want you to,” she reassured him, kissing his shoulder.  “But did… did you just…?”

“Oh,” he said, still breathless as he pressed his face into her hair, “yes.  Keeps… coming in little bits and pieces.  But it’s always you, River.  I can see it now— it’s always been you.”  He hugged her tight and she let out a shuddering sigh.

“I don’t understand,” she whispered into his skin.  “I don’t know how any of this is possible.”

“Do we need to understand it?  The universe has brought us together, again and again.  We might simply be grateful.”

It was never simple.  Not with them.  But with her hearts still racing, her body heavy and humming with the afterglow and the simple comfort of being safe in his arms, River wanted nothing more than to believe it.  If only for a moment.

“Maybe,” she breathed, wiping her wet eyes and settling in closer against his chest.  “I love you.”

“Does that mean it’s a yes, then?” he asked, his voice bright with hopeful enthusiasm.  

River chuckled and shook her head, nuzzling into his shoulder.  “For you, my love?  Always.”

“Oh, _wonderful!"_  Before she knew it, the Doctor had leaned forward, scooped her up and spun her around.  She let out a yelp of surprise before dissolving into giggles as she clung to him.

“What are you doing, you idiot?” she laughed.

“Aren’t I supposed to carry you over a threshold?”

“I think you’ve got the order a bit out.  And the dress code.  Though if you insist, I’m always happy to scandalise the neighbours.”

“Ah, good point.  Well, doing things in the right order doesn’t seem to be our strong suit.”

“No, and that’s never been quite so much of an understatement before.”

“The bedroom has a threshold,” he pointed out.

“So does the shower,” River countered, curling her hand around the back of his neck as she watched him with what she feared was a stupidly besotted expression.

The Doctor beamed down at her.  “As my bride wishes.”

“Idiot,” she scoffed again.  She rested her head against his chest, and failed utterly to restrain the giddy smile tugging at her lips as he carried her down the corridor.

___

They collapsed back into bed, drowsy and content, curling into each other as their steam-warmed skin began to cool.  The Doctor toyed with River’s damp hair as he studied her, a soft smile on his face.

For a few more peaceful moments, she could pretend.  But only a few.

“You’re remembering,” she whispered at last.

He nodded, lifting her hand to his lips.  “Yes.  I can’t quite see yet how all the pieces fit together, but I’m remembering.”

“A… a whole life, with me in it?  Since the beginning?”

“Isn’t that how it should be, River?”

She let out a sharp breath, smiling ruefully.  “It doesn’t matter how it _should_ be; it can’t be.  It’s not possible.  Not with the way… things began.  It just— it can’t be.”  She shook her head, brushing her free hand over his cheek.  “Where have you come from, Doctor?  Some other universe, where we got it all right?  What if I’m still there, looking for you?”

He looked stricken by the thought, and pulled her closer, holding her tight against his chest.

“What about me?” he muttered.  “You must have, I mean, I must be…  Where have I been, all these days?”

“Told you I was off on a boring dig for a while.  That always keeps you out of my hair.”

“Couldn’t you have told me the truth?”

River sighed.  “You’d get nosy.  And jealous.  I don’t have to tell you it’s not a good idea to cross your own timestream.  Best not to tempt you into making any bad decisions.”

“I sort of feel like I should be offended.”

“You know what they say about curiosity and cats,” she recited archly.

“Ah, but they always leave out the best part: ‘satisfaction brought it back.’”

“Mm, would you say that’s about where we are right now?” River hummed into his neck.  She really needed to make more of an effort; this was a serious situation that needed to be resolved.  If he would only stop being so irresistibly wonderful for five seconds—

Before she could chastise herself any more, they’d rolled to the side, and the Doctor was leaning over her, damp curls falling over his forehead, and the most adoring look in his eyes.  She was helpless to resist.

She buried her hands in his hair as he leaned down to kiss her, soft and slow, like he had all the time in the universe and not a single care beyond turning her into a whimpering puddle in his arms.  It should have been embarrassing, really, how very easily he could do that.  But then, what secrets might all those linear centuries in his memory hold?  How could she be expected to stand a chance?

Time passed them in a haze.  River idly wondered, through the delirious love clouding her mind and the bliss thrumming through her body, how long it had been, in either of their realities, since they’d last indulged themselves so completely like this and let the universe wait.  Far too long, she decided, as the Doctor pulled back and shifted over her, hands trailing up the back of her thigh.  He turned his head and pressed his lips to the inside of her knee as he eased her leg over his shoulder.  In the breathless moment of calm, she reached up to touch his face, trying to memorise the look in his eyes, tender and desperate.  It was clear he was beginning to feel it, too: the urgency of precious time slipping through their fingers; the weight of timelines shifted out of sync, bearing down on them the longer they held still.

He kissed her palm as he pushed into her again, and River could only throw her head back and cry out, the weight of the universe evaporating under the welcome warmth of his body over hers.  Oh, she just needed a little longer.  Another day, a few more hours, to hold him tight and pretend she wouldn’t have to let him go.

___

They never had been married on the moon.  And after an afternoon spent enjoying the fruits of the Doctor’s newly-recovered memories of her, she could scarcely think of a reason not to marry him another hundred times.  

Particularly when he cuddled up beside her with her phone and excitedly showed her a quickie wedding chapel that looked like it had hired its web designer straight out of 20th century Earth.  The site advertised, in garish multicoloured scrolling text that was not at all helped by the holographic screen, “elegant evening weddings by Earthlight.”  It was all unbearably kitsch, but then, so was Space Vegas, and they were frequent flyers there.  

And that sweet, hopeful look the Doctor was giving her was simply unfair.  She really had to be more careful not to let on what a terrible weak spot she’d developed for this face.  There’d be no stopping him, and there was a time limit on this, after all.  One they were continually, foolishly testing with each passing hour.

She suddenly realised he was looking at her rather expectantly, and she was just staring.

“That—” River cleared her scratchy throat, “sounds lovely, sweetie.”

She caught just a flash of his delighted grin before he kissed her.  There was really nothing that quieted the voice of reason like his mouth on hers and his hands in her hair.  

___

“How about this one?” the Doctor suggested, pulling a dress from her wardrobe and holding it aloft.

River glanced over her shoulder in the mirror as she struggled to tame her unstyled and thoroughly mussed curls.  “Surely after the day we’ve had, you can’t be suggesting white.”

She was rewarded by an endearing blush spreading over his cheeks.  “Well, it’s— more of an ivory, isn’t it?  And anyway, we’re married already!  And, in fact, that entire idea is apocryphal, not to mention nonsense.  White wedding gowns became popular as a symbol of wealth and status, since it was such an impractical colour choice, the lower classes couldn’t dream of purchasing a fine dress that would be so difficult to keep clean.”  River raised an eyebrow, patiently waiting for him to wear himself out.  “The whole thing started when Queen Victoria wore a white gown to marry Prince Albert.  I was a guest at their wedding, you know.  It was a bit awkward, actually, since Albert was her first cousin, but that’s monarchies for you.  …You know, you’re right, white is no good.”

She smiled to herself as he disappeared back into her wardrobe and returned her attention to aggressively stabbing pins into her updo.  

“Oh, look!”  The Doctor emerged again, grinning and holding up a familiar green-gold silk dress.  “What do you think?  Brilliant colour.  It almost matches my coat!”

“Thought you might like that one,” River said softly, rising from her seat at the vanity and turning to face him.  Her loose robe slipped over her shoulder, and she suppressed a smile at the look on his face as she asked, “Help me into it?”

___

They did make it to the front door, eventually.  And only spent a few minutes snogging up against it, in part because River had to continually swat the Doctor’s hands away to stop him ruining her hair.  Flushed and beaming, they stumbled out into the Earthlit night.  She turned back to lock up, only to find him immediately pressed against her, his hands slipping around her waist and lips brushing the exposed nape of her neck.

“Doctor,” she scolded breathlessly, “haven’t you heard the one about getting to the church on time?”

He hummed noncommittally against her skin, and she steadied herself with a hand on the front door as her treacherous body threatened to turn to jelly.  “Being on time is overrated.”

“You don’t say,” she muttered drily.  

The Doctor’s next words were swallowed up by wheezing groan and a rush of wind. 

They both spun in place, gaping, as the blue box began to materialise in her front garden.

River swallowed thickly.  “Well, I… I guess she found you.  That— does save us the trouble, I suppose.”  She forced a bitter laugh, her hearts sinking in her chest.  This was what she had hoped for, wasn't it?  To get him home safe?  Somehow, it didn't feel like the answer to her prayers.

The Doctor pulled her close to his side, his arm firmly around her as the TARDIS solidified on the grass.  “River, I’m… I’m not so sure.  She doesn’t look quite right.”

“What do you mean?”  When she glanced at his face, he was watching the TARDIS with as much dread as she felt.

“Something’s not—”  

With their characteristic creak, the TARDIS doors burst open.

“River!” bellowed the familiar voice of her baby-faced Doctor.  

The numbness of disbelief descended over her like cold water. 

“Back from your dig already?  And you’re dressed for dinner, excellent!  Well, I say dinner.  It’s a bit more… possibly explodey, but that’s your favourite kind, eh?”  He finally stopped swaggering across the garden long enough to allow in a thought.  “Oh, who’s your frie—”

Sudden silence stretched between the three of them as the older Doctor’s brain visibly derailed from its track and a slow look of horror began to creep over his face.

“Now,” she began gently, “listen, before you get wound up, let me explain.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading, I would love to hear what you think!!


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